The first couple of years after my husband died, I yearned to see him again. I would look for him on the street and search for him in my dreams, hoping to catch a glimpse of him again, once more.

I knew, from one of his dearest friends, that he knew that I would have a very hard time after he was gone. I also knew that he wanted me to not linger too long in my grief and to go on with my life. Unfortunately, I did not heed the former, but I did manage to begin to create a new life, as time went on, bit by bit. It would become my new normal.

When I was Chuck’s wife, I was Mrs. Loftin. At first, it took a minute for me to get used to the new name as I had been Ms. Broady for a long while, and I really love my surname. Having decided to take my husband’s last name it did take some time to get used to. The weekend of our wedding we stayed at the then trendy and new Paramount Hotel in Manhattan. That evening, when the bellhop said,” Mr. and Mrs. Loftin”, I didn’t respond. My husband Chuck had to say, “Mrs. Loftin, that’s you.” But as time went on, I wore his name proudly and I was equally as proud to have been betrothed to my beloved. I always believed that I conjured up the perfect man for me. I’d focused on what I wanted, forgot about it, and then out of nowhere he appeared. He was truly everything that I ever wanted in a mate and after a time we were a team. 

After Chuck passed away, I was at loose ends and fraught with despair as I could never imagine going on without him. How do you rebuild a life when the one you’ve loved has disappeared forever? It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to just not see somebody ever again unless you’ve gone through that experience of loss. I grieved consciously, long and hard, and as I mourned his loss, I was in fact healing my soul. 
During this process I made decisions regarding who I was becoming. I also decided to make changes in my home. In the very beginning it was a comfort to sit in the big leather armchair that my husband would rest in when he was ill. I also found comfort lying in the beautiful cherry wood sleigh bed that we had snuggled and slept in together. My familiar surroundings gave me comfort and I would never have changed a thing, at least so I thought at that time.  But as time wore on, I realized that my tastes were changing and that any changes I wished to make in my home were decisions that no longer needed to be cosigned by Chuck. I was now one and only needed my own approval. This was a startling realization, but I would also find it freeing as time went on.  

I began to think about what I needed for my home and the changes I wished to see. Chuck loved dark woods and I loved lighter shades. Eventually we compromised and purchased cherry furniture for our home. I fell in love with the medium brown tones, and he of course loved the transitional style I gravitated toward. This of course was a different direction than my contemporary style but one that was acceptable to us both. After his death I began to lean into my own evolving taste. I perused magazines and websites and checked out various trends and styles in both fashion, beauty, and home décor. I realized I was no longer having to compromise on what I wanted to do with my space, my style or my life.  For me, the sky was the limit.

I was also spending time with friends and family. We were vacationing together and socializing more than ever. I was hanging out in hot spots and trendy towns, as I developed new friendships with new people. I was examining all my long-term friendships and decided that those that no longer served me well had to go. Many long term friends thought I was who they remembered me to be, not seeing that grief had changed me, or the person I was becoming. Some meant well and others did not and I no longer had the time to fit into the the confines of whatever long held perception they had of me. I had grown and was headed in a different direction.

I also began to focus on my spiritual life as well as my religious state. Going to church every week and reciting perfunctory religious greetings to others wasn’t enough for me. I wanted a deeper examination of my faith. I wanted a deeper meaning to my life, the living of each day and the people who were traveling life’s road with me.  

I also had time to think about my paternal grandmother who had been a teacher, a writer and published author. Although I’d never met her, I began to feel her influence more and more and I soon began to feel that she was inspiring me to put my own thoughts on paper. I had always loved to write, ever since I was a little child. I would write stories and poems, but I never thought of pursuing it as a profession. 

Thus began my journey as a writer and a blogger and it proved to be a fruitful endeavor pointing me toward a new direction, a new life path offering hope and comfort to those who grieve. This, I soon would conclude, was my true destiny. 

I often wonder, now that time has passed, what Chuck would think of this life I’ve created since he’s been gone. I believe he’d be proud of my growth as well as my ability to rebound and build a new life on my own. He would say,” Sugars, I’m so proud of you. Keep it up!” 

So, as I ponder the question of whether I would want my husband to return now, I know that he wouldn’t fit into this life that I’ve created for myself. My life now is carefree, spontaneous, fun and focused on me. He would be perplexed as he tried to figure out who I am now. Who I am now, is no longer encumbered by a relationship that was truly meant to be for a time, that helped me to develop and grow with him and that so changed my life, all leading me to this place. 

I am, finally, eternally grateful for the love I had for and from Chuck. I will continue to love him and miss him forever, but I know that his time has come and gone. Our time together has passed, my time now is meant to be just that, my time. I can sometimes feel the love of Chuck from out there in the ether, but the life I’ve managed to create out of the ashes of loss and grief is meant for me and only me. I’m no longer Mrs. Loftin, but Yvonne, as I am now, and I know that dear Chuck would be pleased with that.