I remember right after my husband passed away, maybe about two weeks later, I was deep in the widow fog, still very much feeling married, still speaking about him in the present tense because my heart had not yet caught up with reality. A good friend was consoling me, listening, comforting me… and then abruptly changed the conversation and said, “Well, now that he’s gone, you should think about dating again.” I was stunned and hurt, I didn’t even know how to respond. I just sat there in silence, trying to process how someone could move so quickly past the enormity of what I was living through. Later, we spoke on the phone and I told her how insensitive that felt. She apologized profusely and even cried, realizing how much she had hurt me. I accepted her apology, but I still needed distance. I needed to grieve on my own terms, without feeling pushed forward before I could even stand. Ironically, it was in this moment that I found my voice, but I’ll save that for a later blog.

This is something many widows experience. In those early days — and sometimes for a very long time — we are trying just to survive the present moment. We don’t yet know who we are without our person. We don’t know what tomorrow looks like and barely understand what is happening today. What widows need most is not direction or expectation, but gentle presence; someone who can listen without trying to fix things. They need someone who can step back instead of trying to map out how we should live the next few days, months, or years. Grief is disorienting, and being blindsided by other people’s timelines or assumptions only makes the journey harder. I never quite understand how people can praise you in one sentence and then blindside you in the next with something that diminishes your experience.

I saw it again recently in a different situation. I mentioned to someone how well a mutual friend was doing after a very difficult period — unemployment, emotional stress, uncertainty about the future. Things had finally begun to turn around for them, and I was genuinely happy.The person I was talking to immediately responded, “Well, you know, they wouldn’t be doing that well if it hadn’t been for my help. They almost didn’t finish that program. They were really struggling.”And I remember thinking, “Why can’t you just let the person have their win?’ Why must we immediately remind people of when they stumbled, when they nearly failed, when things weren’t going well? Life is hard, truly hard. For many people, just getting through a season of struggle takes everything they have. No one wants to be permanently defined by their worst chapter, especially when they’ve worked so hard to write a better one.

Sometimes it feels as though people are more comfortable remembering others when they were down, as if success or recovery somehow erases their own role or importance, so they rush to remind everyone of how things used to be. But healing takes time, growth takes time, reinvention takes time. Grief, recovery, career setbacks, emotional struggles — none of these resolve overnight. Thus when someone finally finds their footing again, when life begins to soften, when success or peace begins to show up — that moment deserves celebration, not correction. Let them have their win, because the truth is, we all need wins. Sometimes they are hard fought, private, and years in the making. One must remember that people experiencing small and even huge successes already remember how hard the road was — they don’t need anyone else to remind them. What they need is encouragement, a smile, a simple, “I’m proud of you.” So maybe the lesson here — the one I try to remind myself of too, is this: when someone shares good news, pause before speaking, let joy have the room, allow their progress to stand on its own. When they’ve experienced a loss give them space and a reassuring place to land. We don’ t want to pile on a lot of insensitive suggestions or criticisms just because we have something to say. Be generous in your response, because one day, you may need someone to celebrate your win or support your loss without sullying the moment with words that diminish or make someone feel like there’s another hurdle to jump over.

Remember kindness costs nothing, but it means everything to everyone. Just because you have something to say because you “speak your mind” or, “you tell the truth” or “you’re a real friend”…. you need to check that last part. They also want to say how they would have handled a situation, how they would have never this, or would have never done that. My advice to them is STOP! You’re not only diminishing the person’s success or ignoring the person’s pain, but you’re also making the person feel ashamed.

A real friend is there to soften the hurt or allow you to bask in the glow of success no matter what winding road you took to get there. If anything, help them erase the muddy tracks in the road leading to a win, no matter how small.

if this resonated with you share it with someone who may need it. 🪷

You can follow me Yvonne Broady-The Blooming Widow on Instagram http://@thebloomiingwidow and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/YvonneBroadyAuthor/

My book Brave in a New World: A Guide to Grieving the Loss of a Spouse is available on Amazon: Click the link to purchase: https://tinyurl.com/5a7e6esv