I remember right after my husband passed away — maybe about two weeks later — I was deep in the widow fog, still very much feeling married, still speaking about him in the present tense because my heart had not yet caught up with reality. A good friend was consoling me, listening, comforting me… and then abruptly changed the conversation and said, “Well, now that he’s gone, you should think about dating again.”

I was stunned, hurt. I didn’t even know how to respond. I just sat there in silence, trying to process how someone could move so quickly past the enormity of what I was living through. Later, we spoke on the phone and I told her how insensitive that felt. She apologized profusely and even cried, realizing how much she had hurt me. I accepted her apology, but I still needed distance. I needed to grieve on my own terms, without feeling pushed forward before I could even stand.

This is something many widows experience. In those early days — and sometimes for a very long time — we are trying just to survive the present moment. We don’t yet know who we are without our person. We don’t know what tomorrow looks like. We barely understand what is happening today. What widows need most is not direction or expectation, but gentle presence. Someone who can listen without trying to fix things.Someone who is not going to equate a divorce with a death. Someone who can step back instead of trying to map out how we should live the next few days, months, or years. Grief is disorienting, and being blindsided by other people’s timelines or assumptions only makes the journey harder.

I never quite understand how people can praise you in one sentence and then blindside you in the next with something that diminishes your experience. I saw it again recently in a different situation. I mentioned to someone how well a mutual friend was doing after a very difficult period — unemployment, emotional stress, uncertainty about the future. Things had finally begun to turn around for them, and I was genuinely happy.The person I was talking to immediately responded, “Well, you know, they wouldn’t be doing that well, if it hadn’t been for my help. They almost didn’t finish that program. They were really struggling.” I remember thinking, Why can’t you just let the person have their win?

Why must we immediately remind people of when they stumbled, when they nearly failed, when things weren’t going well? Life can be truly hard. For many people, just getting through a season of struggle takes everything they have. No one wants to be permanently defined by their worst chapter, especially when they’ve worked so hard to write a better one.

Sometimes it feels as though people are more comfortable remembering others when they were down. As if success or recovery somehow erases their own role or importance, so they rush to remind everyone of how things used to be. But healing takes time. Growth takes time. Reinvention takes time. Grief, recovery, career setbacks, emotional struggles — none of these resolve overnight. When someone finally finds their footing again, when life begins to soften, when success or peace begins to show up — that moment deserves celebration, not correction.

Let them have their win. Because the truth is, we all need wins. Sometimes they are hard fought, private, and years in the making. And the people experiencing them already remember how hard the road was — they don’t need anyone else to remind them. What they need is encouragement, a smile, an “I’m proud of you.” It’s good to remember in general not only in situations of loss that nobody wants to be remembered or reminded of their fails. No one wants to be reminded of past missteps or old stories that have long since passed and have nothing to do with who they have become.

I am grateful to have dear friends, men and women, who have stood the test of time. They have weathered births, deaths, sorrow and sheer joy with me. They know how to bend with life’s unpredictable winds without letting me fall. And most importantly, they continue to grow with me and cheer me on. And you know what, good friends will help to smudge the tracks of the past while cheering for their friend’s success no matter how small.

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