One afternoon as the sun began to wane, I came into my house and began to settle in for the evening. I made a little dinner for one, I watched some TV, did a few more things and then turned in. It was the next day that I realized that I had gone the entire day without one thought of my husband, Chuck. Since his death, I had thoughts of him every waking and sleeping moment, so this was different. After that, I found myself at a gallery, or in church or out to lunch with friends, but now no long longer weighed down with missing Chuck thoughts. This chapter in my grief journey was unforeseen and occurred unexpectedly.The longing, the empty feelings, the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had come to believe would remain with me forever, had quietly disappeared. As I acclimated to my new normal I had no idea that I would ever not feel the absence of my lost husband.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight, but when it did I began to feel as if I was free and able to move on with whatever life was going to look like for me. I felt unburdened by the constant feeling that he was missing. I no longer searched for Chuck on the street or in my dreams. I had turned a corner in my grief journey, which directed my steps onto a new path as I settled into my new life, alone.

I began to feel like a breath of fresh air had been infused into my soul. I didn’t even know that it was something that I desired or if these new feelings would be permanent, but as I leaned into them I knew this transition felt good as I realized that this was a watershed moment for me in my personal grief journey. Of course there are many widows and widowers who do not want to be separated from those feelings of missing their spouse. On some level it may feel as though if they do that the memory of their lost spouses will fade, as if they never existed. I can only say there is no right way to grieve and people must process their loss and live with it in ways that are most comfortable to them.

Here is when that old adage time heals all wounds comes into play. The passage of time does nothing, it’s what you do with time that helps you to heal after loss. I decided to make new friends, and there were always fresh ideas coming from them and invitations to join in different activities, and trips, and time spent together having fun. Sometimes making friends with people who are slightly younger, can offer fresh ideas, suggestions on how to meet members of the opposite sex (if somewhere down the line, you desire to do so) and opportunities for one to be active and adventurous. This was the case with me and after a while, I found myself becoming hopeful about my future.

I learned many good lessons from my dear brother and friend Bob Ellison who authored The First Snow: A Journal about a Man’s Faith-Based Journey Through Grief. After years of mourning his wife Lou, whom he adored, he decided to start a new chapter. He was lonely and yearning companionship. A few years after Lou’s death he met a new love and was able to look back on his 40 plus years with his wife as having been a wonderful, fulfilling time that he would be forever grateful for having experienced. But he didn’t allow that past to spill over into his new relationship. He was able to close that chapter of his life and enjoy this new chapter with Debbie, his new partner. Fortunately for him, they had several years together before he passed away unexpectedly three years ago. He knew that time was not promised and he decided to seize the time and begin his new life with a new companion whom he loved deeply and said so often. What Bob did, is not easy for everyone to do. But he made the right decision for himself, to gently close the door on his grief, which opened a new door with fresh opportunities to continue life on his own terms. But in order to reach the point where you’re able to close the door on the life you had with your deceased spouse, you must get the help that you might need in order to process the loss in a healthy way. That is where grief counseling, bereavement groups and even journaling come into play as tools to assist with one’s bereavement.

The memory of your spouse, will never ever go away, but the acute pain will if you allow it to. Remember living with the pain of loss doesn’t honor your loved one’s memory. And as you turn a corner in your grief journey, the lightness of being just you will sneak up on you as you realize that you’re no longer thinking about your spouse every minute, everyday. Sometimes days will pass before you realize that you’re so involved with planning your new life that the veil of sorrow is slowly fading away. You will have new feelings that will supplant the feelings of loneliness and longing. This is both healthy and good as you begin to open the door to future possibilities for your life. And although your spouse will become a part of your shadow grief you will be able to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for your well-being. Remember, life is not meant to be endured, but to be lived.